| One of my favorite tools for looking at a relationship is the question...
"Are we (they) living in the now?"
Worries of the future and past can become relationship wrecking obsessions. Sure if something needs planned, plan it in an appropriate moment, then move on! Living happens right now!
Okay, I'm no Eckhart Tolle. But maybe if I keep stumbling along I will make my point.
Consider clinging. The clinger fears future loss and the clingee may begin to fear entrapment. Everything else could be fine, but by not relaxing and living in the moment destructive stress is created. If you love someone set them free.
This is also related to self esteem, my psychological standby. To not need someone is also to know you will be fine on your own. I'm always attracted to those profiles that say things like "Life is really great for me right now, and I don't think I need someone, but it would be nice to..."
That's living in the moment, knowing you are just out there, not thinking I need a lover, husband or wife, not looking for particular things, yet confident making great decisions in the moment and enjoying life!
Expectations can end a relationship. When it comes to romance, trust in fate, the universe or turn the outcome over to God (the essence of unconditional love); instead of thinking you pull the strings. When expectations are not met, we feel a lack. If we live in the moment, things are what they are. If we yearn for a lost love or pine for the future, our heart feels emptier.
Intimacy should be a way of expressing or celebrating the love you feel now, not as a way to create feelings you think you've had before or think you should have.
Authentic is another great word for this area. An authentic view of yourself and your romance in this moment combined with an unconditional love will make any outcome positive. Possessive, dependent love combined with a denial of yourself will weigh the heart down.
Ok! I'll quit trying to channel the romantic spirit of nowness.
I heard a radio show host yesterday discussing how miserable he was while dating. He quizzed his staff on air about it and they nearly all answered..."Oh no, it was fun! Back in college, going out with friends, meeting different people and partying etc.". Then the host goes 'No I mean when you were done with that scene and you were REALLY looking!" "When you would go out night after night trying to find someone" "Remember how painful that was?" "And his young, bright happy crew responded almost in unison "Oh THAT'S your mistake!" "If you are trying to find someone you will be miserable and it will never work!"
Looking without wanting, loving without needing, living right now with an authentic view, and seeing the bright light that shines in us all. |
